So you hate-talk? You execrate that unfaithful heart which betrayed you. You hurl accusations in groups of old friends and homies, at the heart which turned into a stone; seeking for solace in their hushes and on their shoulders, which would be so hard- no-impossible! Impossible to achieve for the many days, perhaps many weeks or many months to come ahead. And a few weeks later when you have rowed half-way through this cumbersome ocean of what people fancy calling ‘moving-on’; you suddenly come across one of their pictures/voice notes or whatever trigger-to-past-memories and you feel this pang in the stomach as if someone just punched you straight in the chest!
That smile on the sinner’s face sets the rowing boat on an automatic backward mode, giving wet eyes and a bout of mauldin self-pity. Miserable! Isn’t it? The intensity of dislike for someone you liked so much one day, ’cause where there was once love, now there’s only hate! I know; I understand; they are really the sourest lemons life has thrown at you. It is the worst phase you have had in your 20 years long of a life.
But what if, just what if- this is not the worst case, what if there’s a case worse than this worst case? No wait, what if you listen to that old song they had sent you but you don’t get a flashback? What if you don’t feel that pang, you had been so well accustomed to, when you see yet another click of their cheesy grin and sparky eyes? What if the person who passed by leaves a faint trail of similar scent that once gave you butterflies and later gave you a bitter-sweet taste on the tongue but now doesn’t even make you shift your nose, let alone producing that uncanny tingle at the bottom of your gut? In fact, what if you actually crash into them in some departmental store, like you had when you first met, but your eyes-not even for once- blink away with that hint of sorrowful grief? What if you suddenly stop relating to all those sad songs? What if getting high on marijuana doesn’t feel like a necessity to get through the day anymore? What if reading their old chats doesn’t make you ruefully smile anymore? What if you sit on the bathroom floor, once again, but this time even after recalling every ounce of pain you have felt, tears never well out of your eyes? What if the moisture doesn’t even brim them? What if you stare at the ceiling fan with insomniac eyes, waiting upon the memories to flood in-in the dark but all what floods in is a huge gush of void and nothingness??
Do you know what’s the worst case?
It’s cold hands on humid nights. It’s a buzzing sheet of emptiness wrapped around your brain, not allowing you to think what trifling task you had to do next after completing this one. Its getting pricked by a thorn and only realizing you got pricked after the first tiny scarlet drops appear on the skin. It’s listening to their name accidentally slip out of one of the friends’ tongues and looking at them with empty hollow eyes as they exchange worried glances with each other. Its swiping through pictures, coming across their’s and swiping on to the next one without even producing a nose exhale from your lungs, which you still manage to do on the lamest of jokes! It’s having them in your dreams and waking up with a poker face. Its feeling the same with or without the marijuana dose of the day. It’s sitting with the pen and paper to spew all the hatred out for the person, as instructed by your counselor/psychologist, but being unable to write a single word. It’s being unable to feel secretly happy on their break-up and sorrowfully injured on their patch up. It’s sitting on the bathroom floor, struggling to cry and shout but becoming horrified by the unnatural stifling force from within. It’s laughing with only your mouth on all the jokes cracked in the group. It’s watching someone cry and move past him/her without a glint of compassion in the eyes!
Do you know what’s the worst case?
It’s a heart sans Sympathy. A heart sans Antipathy. A heart full of Apathy! That’s the worst case. When you are unable to feel hate. Unable to feel love. Unable to feel pain. Unable to feel joy.
When you are unable to Feel! Yeah that’s what happens when you are dead. Already. You don’t even have the suicidal urges anymore!
And I wrote this 800 words long piece of nothing, because I wanted to, I had to. I write this without the fear of whether you’ll read it till the end or leave it mid-way because I honestly do not care if you understand, comprehend or relate with this. I know there are people who would! Even if they sit in the farthest of the corners of the world. They would! My words are not mere words. They are empathy to those who were once capable of feeling but now sit with a paralyzed heart and opaque eyes. I want to tell you guys that I am here and I understand that there’s a case worse than the worst case which this world pays overrated attention to. And I am praying for you that you start feeling again, even if its more of melancholia, hate and pain, I just hope you start feeling again! Ameen.