I have been listening this for quite a while. To the point that I no longer care about it. That I no longer pay attention, as if the claim is almost a part of me, my existence, my being. But I do care enough to write and channel my dissent on some platform, many of them won’t even be aware of.
They called me that when I didn’t turn up into the welcome party of my college. Obviously they didn’t know that I had no ‘friends’ and I would have aimlessly loitered around, adjusting my dupatta every now and then, nervously passing a smile or two to alien faces. It didn’t matter to them if I happen to be a little reserved, not the kind thoughtlessly jumping into acquaintance with people I know nothing of. They didn’t beleive that my parents were highly protective and always wary of sending me to school parties where people of ‘all types’ came even if it was within the ‘controlled management’ of school.
Need I mention how my friend was followed by two drunk college boys as she nervously made way to her car? No there’s no need because my concerns wouldn’t matter, they say what they think is right.
Then more cementing was the fact how I never attended my Farewell. It was pretty comfirmed that I was that after my audacity.
Did not turn up in one’s own farewell? What else could she be if not That! Obviously she is.
But obviously enough they didn’t know that I wanted to avoid a few faces which would have reminded me of my depression. Who would push me back into the same dark hole I had maddeningly clambered out of. That on top of that, meeting those who had been there for me, whom I developed such strong bonds with, whom I loved so much- would be there for the last time. That I was not just going to attend a farewell given to me by my college, but I would be going to say farewell to all those damn people! That surely I would weep and not be able to enjoy being aware of what awaits ahead. Not that it would make any difference to the parting and separation but just that it would be better to keep myself busy at home in something, let it pass altogether. Like you quickly swallow away the bitter tablet rather than chewing it down to pieces, letting the bitterness engulf your mouth. But no I didn’t have a sensitve heart or emotional soul, I was just that.
Then not a lot of time back, we went to a restaurant at Do Dariyaa. For those who are not aware, it’s an area of Karachi lined with open air restaurants constructed over wooden decks with a beautiful sea front. I do not have the best pics, but a few to aid understanding:
As I sat there breathing the sea, gazing at the starless sky, a number of times I was beckoned and urged to join the kids on the swings, to go with them, have fun with them. Yet I stayed amd refused to go. I adamantly sat their with the sky and the sea, absorbing my surroundings; the beauty of the moments quickly passing by. So they ended up calling me that. It didn’t matter if I had a ‘poetic’ state of mind, I should have just gone and tried to connect with the children (like other dainty girls stood with their younger cousins) rather than connecting with the nature. But I wasn’t uncomfortable with the people there, with the soft laughs coming from this table or that. I wasn’t being hostile or unappreciating of others present. Yet I was called that!
Say let me quote a more recent event. As I sat there in the room, along with a total of 11 others. It was Eid Millan at my mamu’s place. Elders, teens, children all crowding up the place. Two women discussing their tailor’s treachery two days before Eid. A few girls discussing selfies and how their first day of Eid had been. One lay ill on the bed. Another two talking so slow, almost whispering, couldn’t make out what. The room becoming hotter, as heat emanated from each body, the bathroom door creaking every now and then as someone went in or came out. Yet I sat there. Quietly. I never for once felt suffocated. I never tried to run away from that place. Even as my best friend sat beside me, I knew we couldn’t talk-with people continuously interrupting, interfering, expecting conversation on more ‘normal issues’ girls should be discussing at Eid. So I just sat silently. Nothing of my interest being discussed. Yet from time to time, I could feel their glances telling me that I was that! No I wasn’t a keem observer, listener. I was suppose to force ! myself into some discussion no matter what, I had to diffuse into the surroundings rather than sitting dumb in the corner. So I was that.
And these are just a few examples that I quote. The list would go on forever. But I have accustomed myself to the word. I no longer get into the debate, explaining people my reasons. I humbly accept what they have to say. It’s a Scorpio thing. It’s me. Thank you people for making me realize that I am anti-social. If u think this is the one word which would suffice all my reasons. But above that, thank you dear self for never for once letting me give in to how these people label me. Thank you for telling me to just shut my mouth up rather than arguing and assuring me that I am an intovert, a listener, an observer, a reserved soul, a poetic one, a sensitive one and NOT AN ANTISOCIAL.