As often it happens, I found myself lost in an apparently ridiculous (maybe even meaningless) discussion with Farees: A person who has always impelled me to think beyond what I think. The discussion was on the colour, sorry shade of “Grey”. The fourth day of Eid, sitting in my room, with a few moments of solitude (no guests, no parties) I asked Farees if she had written something in a while,
as if Eid had also jammed the writing business along with the roads of my city. But as a treasure full of thoughts, unique accounts and bits of ponderings she has always been, quite positively she replied in the affirmative and with a speed, so well accustomed to her, she even sent me the short write-up which I started reading right away.
It was beautiful. Deep. And amazing as expected. If she hasn’t put it up till yet, she may do it in a while so don’t miss the opportunity of reading it over here: Everything is grey-t. Albeit, I digress, she had written about how she often feels grey! How the shade is always described in terms of mediocrity, or worse still: made fun of due to a useless book which was too obscene for me to even read! About the Hows and Whys of grey being described the way it is. This led me (after many nods and agreements and surprises over how I thought about grey’s poor fortune the same way) to the fact that Grey, arguably for me, was important enough to be used as the colour/shade which would describe me.
Quite obviously, as soon as I made this statement, we entered into another spasm of thoughts and messages. In response to my claim, quite quick-wittedly , she responded this was not the case with her. She said, “The colour I want to become is purple, what people see is red, what I write dwells among grey, black and white, what I feel is infinity so what colour describes me would be a rainbow. And because rainbow forms white light so maybe white.” This immediately made me ponder for a while as I tried to understand it completely only to realize I had misunderstood a little. I tried convincing her that she just had to tell how she would describe herself in terms of a single colour, not how the world saw her or what colours emanated from her write ups. However she shook me off my ground by proposing that she would not like to be described in terms of a single colour at all! She would find it a sort of confinement, something you are bound to! Instead she went on to tell me how she would take the mediocre grey, pure white, self sufficient black, the agressive red, the peaceful blue, narcissistic purple and homey brown to finally produce a hideous, murky, dark brownish shade. A chromatic neutral, which many of you might be acquainted with (those who are not should definitely try mixing all their water colours to see practical results) And that final product is what would describe her. Just to assist you in picturing it in your mind, I have shared the closest possible pictures:
She said this is what she would be comfortable with. She would want to be a billion colours instead of being one. That she would always want change, being an impulsive erratic, hopping from one colour to another, yet keeping them all intact, close to herself, in a melange of all the seven.
I thought about this for a while, I wondered how logical it sounded and how perfectly settling. Despite the ugly outcome, she had all the colours. Despite being obnoxious on the outside, that murky brown was so powerful and satisfying. Yet when I tried to apply it on myself, to describe myself as a chromatic neutral, it felt so foreign, so extraneous- not belonging to me. The two of us were so unapproachable to each other. And almost simultaneously a strong longing for grey came back. As if it had been always there, like the colour of my soul. But did that mean I had no life? I had no colours and lived in a damp dark grey without the brights of yellow and reds, the royalty of gold and purple, the bursting freshness of greens? NO!! I did experience all the colours, I did live all the shades , feelings, emotions! And yet Grey stayed as a contant.
1x= grey(all the other damn colors)
This immediately sent an unsettling, upsetting feeling down my stomach. As I struggled to produce a convenient piece of imagery which could satisfy myself about how these two very different entities stayed together in me. I looked for an explanation to this bizarre phenomenon. And then I finally found it: How my colours always floated on a river of Grey.
There were splashes of red, green, yellows and blues. Bright dark splashes of them all. But they floated on the surface of an ever-flowing old grey river.The two liquids were completely immiscible. The splashes of colours stayed in form of puddles over the grey water. Always changing, moving, shifting, sometimes the yellow and red colliding to make bright orange yet each color stayed as an individual entity, each blot portraying a different emotion, feeling, memory. But none of them completely mixing with another, staying independently for as long as it was meant to stay. They moved to the right or left on the colour gradient, from darker hues to lighter tinctures. Fading away, washing away, evaporating or being replaced by another. But all this flurry of activity occuring on the calm surface of a thick grey river which kept on flowing in its own accord, unmoved by what happened above it. That grey was my home. No confinement, no depression. Just a soft, monotone grey, always there to give me stability. To calm me. To describe my original state which hid under all those temporary colours.
After dealing with all the colours of the day, I return to the soft sanctuary of Grey.
The reason of writing this was to discover and celebrate another aspect of my existence. To unravel another unrevealed part of me to myself! Have you ever tried to describe yourself in terms of colours and shades? If yes, then what did you get as an answer? Something close to what Farees believes herself to be or something like mine or something completely different altogether? And if you haven’t, then why not try? It is not always a subject to ponder upon but it is important how YOU see yourself, how YOU describe yourself. You don’t always have to mould according to the label this world has given you, you have the right to choose the appropriate phenomenon of colours for yourself. Discover yourself, before exploring this world. Because as Rumi says, “There is a whole universe within you. Ask all from your self. You are not a drop in the ocean but an entire ocean within a drop!” And it’s always beautiful to be different. It’s okay to have your colours float on a river of Grey.